“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Aunt Kathy
Mi Auntie! My godmother, my aunt, my stand-in-mother, my whatever-you-want-to-call it! Aunt Kathy has done things I don't think many aunts would do, and I am forever grateful for having her :) We lived together, we vacationed together, we got along, we fought, we had gift wrapping contests every Christmas, we shopped til we dropped on numerous occasions - we had the relationship of a mother/daughter and I always had fun with Aunt Kath! She is such a strong woman and I can't imagine all that she has gone through in life - but I know she is doing one heck of a job at livin' life to the fullest! Thanks for always being there for me - from cheering me on at every single lacrosse game, to high school and college graduations - I've loved having you a part of everything!
That was posted on my blog last year for Mother’s Day – for mi Auntie! A strong woman is right. While I didn’t post about it on here, myself and our family never discounted her courageous efforts in the battle against breast cancer. Aunt Kath isn’t one to flaunt her battles, nor look for sympathy from others. A truly brave woman, fighting breast cancer for 5 ½ years, continuing to be the best wife, mother, and grandmother she could be, all while traveling the world. Yes – the world – through European vacations, cruising the open waters of the Mediterranean, Greece, Venice, Russia, Alaska, Caribbean, and taking on the Grand Canyon (on more than one occasion!) A woman of wonders, indeed.
I didn’t speak of it on here, because Auntie is all about people knowing her for who she is – Kathleen Ann Quinn Cahill – a sweet all-American past hippy-turned-family-queen. So, you can imagine the heartache and gut wrenching blow I felt when I received the phone call from Uncle Tom on July 5th, the day before I was supposed to move and head on up to Warner Robins, telling me “Aunt Kathy is on Hospice and has about 2-3 weeks.”
“Whaaaat?” I responded, as tears quickly poured out and I jumped up from the hotel bed I was sitting on. This can’t be, I thought. I JUST saw her on Saturday at the family BBQ while I was down in Coral Springs. Oh my gosh. No. No. No.
When I heard the trembling in his voice, and then the words “That’s my babydoll, Charlene, that’s my babydoll,” oh goodness. I lost it. “Can she talk? Is she okay? What is going on?” A million questions came to mind, but truly thinking of Uncle Tom’s heartache over mine made matters even worse for me.
Somehow we hung up, and there I was, standing in our hotel room that I was supposed to have all packed by the time J came home from work after a month of staying there. How am I going to do this? What am I going to do? I’m seriously moving tomorrow? But, Aunt Kathy, my “like-a-mom” whom I lived with since 12 years old….oh no, this can’t be. I got her this necklace for Mother’s Day in May….stamped on it are the words “Be Kind, Free, True, Brave, Strong, Happy, Compassionate, Thankful,” etc.
I let her know that because she truly bleeds happiness, bravery, compassion, etc., that is the reason we would be naming our baby girl’s middle name after her, Kathleen. She called me with the most enthusiastic and cheerful “Hey there!!!” you could hear from her. She followed that with, “I’ve been wearing this necklace non-stop and I swear it’s brought me luck! I got good news from the doctor, I might be approved for this study we’ve been waiting years for, and I’ve felt well enough to go to the kids’ baseball games, out to dinner, and get this..bargain shopping at Target!” I had just heard this from her a month and a half before receiving this news. Not to mention, she returned from the Grand Canyon, an entire week’s worth of touring several different canyons, less than 2 WEEKS PRIOR to this news. How can this be, I thought? I thought for sure after that phone call in May that she’d be around to meet our little girl.
With at least 5 hours until my husband would be done with work and before I could even share the dismal news, I’d pack a bag, cry, wipe my tears, pet the dog, pack another bag, cry even harder, and continue this cycle.
By the time he arrived home and we cried, talked, etc., we decided I should just head straight down to South Florida and that him and my wonderful in-laws would move us in without me. “Go be with her, you need to be” …..and I am so thankful for those words at a time when I had no idea what I should do.
~~~
The next morning, I left my sister’s to head to Aunt Kathy & Uncle Tom’s. I fought tears the entire 15-minute ride. Don’t do this, don’t let her see you like this. I had to call Heather, who was with her 2 days before, to ask how I can be..if it’s okay for me to cry around her..what do I say to her? “Okay, Charlene, you’re allowed to cry, it’s totally fine.” I drove over with hope and fear at the same time, sprinkled with a dash of excitement to see her, topped off with the unknown. I then began a lil Venn Diagram session in my head on which is harder/the similiarities --- when my sister passed away suddenly without the chance to say goodbye, or being able to see Aunt Kathy and finding the right words to say --- neither being the easier.
I turned onto her street and still - fighting, fighting, fighting -I wiped the tears that snuck out and walked into her home expecting myself to bust out hysterically crying. NOPE. I saw her, and everything felt better. I somehow busted out with an enthusiastic “Heyyy!!!” as I wondered how the heck I mustered up the energy to do that. Oh well, it felt right. She was excited to see me and I sat next to her as she layed in bed and we talked and talked and talked, about almost everything aside from the reality of what was going on, while watching the Bachelorette, which excited the two of us. But I think that’s what we both needed at that moment just 3 weeks ago from now. I realized at that very moment how thankful I was that my husband let me be there, because just then was when I realized there was no where else I was supposed to be right then. And what was supposed to be a 2 day trip down there to find the courage to say goodbye to her, turned into 5 days…and then, well, it turned into weeks, because I just got back to Georgia to see my house for the first time today. This song kept popping into my head, 'I could not ask for more than this time together, I could not ask for more than this time with you, right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be...."
Alongside all of our family, including my Uncle, Mother, Grandmother, cousins, and siblings, I helped Aunt Kathy in whatever way I could. We tried to make her as comfortable as possible while sharing memories together and thanking her for being such a wonderful person to all of us. Most nights, us girls cuddled in their king size bed, with spoken and unspoken thoughts of just being thankful for the moments we were in together, right next to Aunt Kathy.
The 3 days she spent in the hospital, we were all there by her side. And when most of us (aside from her beloved husband, whom the nurses were pretty jealous of the wonderful husband he is) left at night, she’d thank us for being there and sometimes apologize as though she thought it were a burden to us. She deserved every ounce of support and care she received, + 1000x more. One night as I was walking out, she said “Oh, Charlene! How was this week’s Bachelorette?!” to which I replied “I haven’t watched it yet, I’m waiting for you to come home!”
Lucky for us, she came home! I don’t know how many times I said to my family that my heart aches for all the families who have to go through this every single day. Lord, find a cure! Puh-lease. Auntie spent about another week with all of us at home until she peacefully went to be with God, with the entire family and a room filled with love surrounding her.
So. So. Hard.
The doctors told her 2-3 weeks, and mi Auntie made it 3 weeks +1 day, cause ya know, this fighter had to prove them wrong. I won't even go into detail here, but couldn't have imagined things would turn out the way they did during these past 6 years of battling. I somehow thought she would be cured, someday.
The days following, I thought of a Kelle Hampton blog post where she discussed recharging alone vs. with people:
“How do you refuel yourself—being with people or spending time alone?” While solitude answers began pouring in, my dad immediately jumped in and answered for me. “You recharge with people. You have to be around people, Kelle” he blurted out. Reflexively, I immediately disagreed, almost ashamed—like it was much cooler to say I recharged by being alone, as if solitary recharging reflects some heightened state of confidence or strength over those who have a “people crutch”.
“I recharge by being alone too,” I said defensively yet weakly, knowing he was probably right though. The thing is, alone time and people time are both necessary for reenergizing all the hidden parts that make us tick. I value quiet walks alone, solitary drives, reading in bed and the rare trip to the beach without kids when I sit and watch the sun set while I challenge myself, think up new ideas and offer grateful sentiments out into the void. But I’m also not going to deny the fact that I’m wired to be most brilliantly inspired when I’m with people. When I listen to them, laugh with them and allow their energy to join forces with mine. And if that means I’ve not arrived at some heightened state of confidence or strength, I’m cool with that. It’s not that I can’t be alone. It’s just that people are kind of awesome.
I realized there was no way I could have made it through any of this (not that I am through it yet, by any means) without surrounding myself with people – with family. I needed them, we all needed each other. The only way I could have begun to refuel any part of me throughout this was by being with people -- FAMILY.
~~~
Funerals. Those are never easy. The much-welcomed support of others came pouring in and so many people really came through for our family – it means more than anything. Tuesday, July 24th, was our day to pay our respect to Aunt Kath, express our thoughts and loving ways, and say our final goodbyes. It doesn’t seem real to go through with that, it doesn’t seem real to write this, and I know it will take time before it fully sinks in. And while the words kept flowing “She is no longer in pain, she is at peace now,” I couldn’t help but think that she didn’t deserve to even suffer in the first place. At 55 years old, she did nothing to deserve this disease or pain, nor could she do anything to stop it and I think that’s what hurts the most. But we all, including myself, have to understand that life is unfair at times, and we have to believe there is a reason for everything and it was simply her time…and for that, there was a reason. A mysterious reason, but an existent one. She did more in her 55 years of life than most, raised more than your average share of children, and saw more of the world than many do in a lifetime, and again, for that, we should all be thankful and learn from her.
It's been one week, and as of now, I can say that we will remember all the joy she brought to her family and will carry on her party planning, recipes, and more as we continue to celebrate her life. Her husband, her mother, her siblings, her children, her grandchildren, and all the rest of the family will somehow, in ways unbeknownst to any of us, pull through and use the same strength and courage she did to get through this.
~~~
As my husband and I, baby girl in the belly, and Grizz in the back, pulled out of South Florida today, I thought of the drive down 3 weeks ago and the emotions pouring out of me as to how all of this would go, and how I was venturing into the unknown…and beneath my sunglasses were glossy eyes, trying to find the courage and strength she always seemed to find, to help me move on up here and start our new phase of life in Warner Robins, GA. At least this phase will have a new guardian angel guiding me through it. So thank you, Auntie, for always being there for me and I know you’ll always continue to.
~~~
And in case you were wondering Aunt Kath, I didn’t watch the rest of the Bachelorette because I just couldn’t without you….but I did find out that Jef won…and I think we’re both okay with that! Continue to be a loyal blog follower of mine…otherwise you would be missed around here. I love you! And one more request, watch over baby girl, please!
(Here she is in the Grand Canyon 1 month ago)
May you rest peacefully, my beautiful Aunt Kathy.
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